I arrived at the hotel just before 7pm. It had taken ages to leave the house – I kept trying on and discarding outfits from my wardrobe. I was going to see someone special and I didn’t want to look too overdressed, nor too careless in my appearance.

My host opened the door and I was surprised to see that the room itself had been transformed – soft candlelight was the only illumination. He looked surprisingly ordinary – a young clean-shaven man with gorgeous brown eyes. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

Seeing a male escort is still something of a novelty for me, even though I have been in the profession for a few years now. Despite all our rhetoric about women’s empowerment there is still a much greater demand for sexual services for men (whether gay or straight) than women, and I think that is a damn shame. The market does exist though. It’s small and specialised, and I don’t know of many men who make full-time living from it, but it’s certainly there to find if you know where to look.

My first encounter came about by chance. I was catching up with a group of working ladies, and they were discussing a particular gentleman who was planning a tour to Melbourne. I have in the past been a client of female workers (usually with my partner in tow) but I hadn’t ever seen a guy before. My concern was more an issue of safety than money…not physical so much, but emotional. Could I trust a stranger to plan my sexual experience? Working in a profession where I’m used to being in control of the action, could I relax and let someone else guide me?

To say I was hesitant would be an understatement. However I was also intrigued.

The process of making a booking to see him progressed much more swiftly than I had anticipated. As I didn’t want to waste his time, I resolved that if he seemed trustworthy then I would go ahead and commit. The ‘packages’ he listed on his website were quite specific, which really helped. Erotic massage, candlelit baths and dinner dates were all on offer. It took some of the uncertainty away to know that our time together would be well-planned. After exchanging a few emails, we had a time and place organised as well as arrangements for a deposit (I guess female clients sometimes cancel on male escorts too!)

I’ve spent a few years now meeting and getting intimate with strangers. It had never occurred to me that I could feel uncertain in that situation. However, the moment I walked into his hotel room I was terrified of being judged. Even though I was paying him for a sexual service, I was afraid he might not find me attractive enough, or that I would make things awkward by doing or saying the wrong thing.

He offered me a drink, which I accepted. He invited me to sit down, which I also did. He probably could have suggested anything at that point and I would have gone along with it in an effort to appear relaxed (face painting, mud baths, anything.) It was only after some intensely sincere conversation that I began to feel at home. He made it clear that he was comfortable with my profession, and told me a little bit about his past experiences growing up in rural Australia. I began to realise that he was just an ordinary person like me (albeit one with very attractive genes).

To cut a long story short, everything was okay. I won’t go into the details of what we got up to that evening (hint: it involved erotic massages and candlelit baths). But ultimately I found the encounter satisfying, even though I wasn’t the one calling the shots.

Seeing a male escort reminded me how scary it can be for a client to see a sex worker – how much we fear judgement of our looks, our mannerisms, our social skills. When I feared judgement but only encountered acceptance, I realised how powerful that leap of faith can be. It was one of the most terrifying experiences I have had, but also one of the most valuable.