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The question nobody wants to ask

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Better sex starts with just one question...but it's not easy to say.

Here's a scenario that might sound familiar: after a bottle of champagne and a considerable amount of flirting, you're getting naked with a new playmate. You're doing that thing with your tongue that your last regular escort seemed to enjoy. But when you look up at your lover's face, you suddenly feel uncertain. Are they in ecstasy or are they in pain? The expression  is hard to interpret. That little voice starts up in your head. 'Does she like this? What if she's just pretending? What if I'm doing badly, and she's too embarrassed to say anything?' 

Doubt can be a total mood-killer.

It's happened to me. Both in my personal life and at the beginning of my escort career, I'd often find myself wondering if my partners were actually enjoying themselves. From strange O-faces to inarticulate noises, sex is full of confusing moments.

The way to solve this problem is to simply ask. But doing so makes many of us feel uncomfortable.

For one thing, we don't want to interrupt the mood. I don't know about you, but I've often worried that speaking up at a crucial moment will cause my partner to lose their concentration. I'm also afraid of saying the wrong thing. I'm a little socially awkward, and I fear that even a line as simple as, 'Just wanted to check that this is working for you?' might accidentally be expressed as something like, 'Are you about to cum, or is your face always like that?!'

Worst of all is the fear that we'll look as if we don't know what we're doing. There's this idea that if you're good at sex, you should simply KNOW what makes the other person happy, like some sort of magical mind-reading unicorn. Asking for guidance - or even checking in to make sure the other person is okay - reveals us to be fakes. Shock, horror! We don't have magical abilities! But seriously, getting it wrong can leave us feeling deeply ashamed.

I can confirm that I HAVE had sex in a unicorn costume, but I'm not magical - I can't read minds. I think the expectation that we should all automatically know how to get it on is baffling and kind of stupid. We're all different! How are we supposed to guess what to do (and get it right every time) when each partner likes different types of touch, kissing, and sex?

There's only one way to fix this - ask the question. 

"How does that feel?"

"How do you like to be touched?"

"What do you feel like getting up to right now?"

Asking means ACTUALLY knowing what you're doing - without having to guess. When our playmates give us instructions about what they like, we can be confident that we're giving them exactly what they need.

Of course, asking is hard because it requires we get over that 'I need to be perfect' attitude. It can be hard to hear feedback, especially if there's something we could be doing better. But look at it this way - would you rather be the person who's confident enough to check in, and then to change up your technique to make your partner happy? Or are you the kind of person who's too afraid to find out and keeps on doing something awkward or unwanted? To me, someone brave enough to pop the question always comes across as more confident and therefore more sexy (no matter how nervous their phrasing!)

Here's the best bit: if you're already making your escort happy, you'll get a compliment. I love asking 'how does that feel?' and having my partner reply 'It feels great, you're incredible!' It banishes all those doubts and makes me feel like a sex champion.

Why guess, when you can ask? Get the information you need. It's a hard question, but it leads to much better sex…and more O-faces too.

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