I have a lot of scars. You can see them in photos, and of course they’re more visible again when we meet. A lot of people comment, ask me what they are, where they’re from. Those that figure out how I got them instantly turn to sympathy and telling me they’re here for me. Others see them, and show me their scars, knowing I won’t judge. Whatever your reaction is; I normally tell people I prefer not to talk about it. Especially with clients, I’ve always just said they’re old and I don’t like to talk about them. But I really think I need to start opening up about them, as a lot of people have them & have fought the same battle I have, but we still face a lot of stigma.
I first started showing signs of depressions & anxiety when I was 14. I didn’t have sad life, I didn’t have a bad life, but my brain was my worst enemy for awhile. I didn’t know how to cope with these feelings & thoughts I was starting to have. So I started to hurt myself. I feel like a lot of people don’t realise how addictive that behaviour can be. When you’re hurt or in pain, your body releases a small amount of endorphins (which is a survival tactic from caveman years - if you’re fighting a tiger and they scratch you, you can’t afford to collapse in pain). You end up becoming addicted to the endorphin rush, making it even harder to break the cycle. Recovery is hard, but worth it. It definitely wasn’t something that happened overnight, it took years. But I built an amazing support system and have learnt better, healthy ways to cope. I love myself more than I ever have, and I enjoy watching myself grow into a new, healthier & stronger person.
Of course, my scars are still there. Sometimes I get embarrassed by them. But I still try to embrace them along with every inch of my body; they’re reminders that I’ve had a few rough patches but was strong enough to make it through them. They’re symbols of resilience. Of course I still have bad days, mental illness never really ‘goes away’, but I know how to deal with them now. I still see my psychologist once a month to check-in (although nowadays I’m mainly chatting about the adult industry to him & telling stories about my work). Sometimes I cry, but not before making sure I have someone who can cuddle & care for me. Sometimes I get so anxious I think my heart is going to beat out of my chest, but I grit my teeth and force myself through it because I know once I’m on the other side, it’s another achievement; another thing to be proud of & to remind me that I am strong and capable.
I've decided that this month, I will be donating a percentage of all bookings to The Black Dog Institute. As someone who has struggled with mental health problems in the past, I feel it’s important that we, as a community, raise awareness of these issues and learn how to support people with mental illness. The Black Dog Institute also undertakes research into the prevention, early intervention, treatment and recovery of depression and bipolar disorder. Break-down of how much I will be donating is below:
$50 for all femdom & GFE under 1hr
$100 for all PSE & GFE bookings 1hr-2hr
$150 for all PSE & GFE bookings 2hrs+