A story of love and betrayal
*** Originally posted on my own blog. Please view my website for more blogs ***
A story of love and betrayal.
I wasn’t aware of you. I knew you were there but you were down there, a long way from up here. You were foreign and served only to relieve me when I was cross legged and overfull. You served no function other than to piss, and life was so simple then.
I remember the first time you hurt me. I was a child and I sat down in the school yard, only to find I’d sat on a peg. You punished me by sending pain up into my belly, and I cried all day, unable to explain to anyone where or what that pain was. That day I damaged you, it was an accident, and you punished me with unmentionable pain, and the introduction of questions into what you were and why you were hiding in my body.
I remember seeing other girls in the changing room, and wondering why you weren’t as pretty as theirs. Why were you different? I changed with a towel wrapped around me because just like me, you were unique. No-one tells you what to expect from genitalia, no-one was there to tell me you were normal. You were weird in my mind, just like me, and I wished you would go away.
You would wet my knickers every time I had a sexy thought and I would hide my knickers at the bottom of the laundry. My wandering mind would dampen me, and it was strange and uncomfortable. I wondered if something was wrong with me, surely women didn’t put up with this. I didn't know what sex was yet, but you seemed to have something to do with it.
I remember the day you started to bleed. I had heard about periods, all the cool girls got them, so I had been excited. But I was not excited when you finally bled, I was angry. It’s embarrassing. You never gave me any warning, and sometimes you would be out of control and would cause me pain, mess and embarrassment. I started to hate you.
I remember the first time you climaxed. I had no idea what it was then, as I rubbed myself on the arm of the couch out of boredom. It hurt - I thought I had had a heart attack. Curiosity led me to do it again. It felt good. And so you filled me with shame and embarrassment for many more years. It was our dirty little secret.
I remember sex for the first time. I wanted it. So much, but you betrayed me. This was supposed to feel good, but you hurt me. And the lingering pain up into my belly for a few days reminded me once again that this is not what I was led to believe. Sex did not feel beautiful to me. I was sore and you felt angry at me. For the record, I was angry at you too.
And then, suddenly, people wanted you. I began to realise you would be useful to help me get what I wanted - attention from boys. They’d never shown interest in me before, because I was ugly and awkward, and suddenly, you were the gateway to feeling beautiful. But they never paid much attention to you, much less me, rather they used you and cast us both aside. Moments of lust were temporary and increasingly, we were both left empty. I hated you for getting the attention instead of me, when deep down I thought you were just as ugly and awkward as me.
But, you saved me, didn’t you. When my life fell to pieces, when all was lost and I was losing hope, I learned you were valuable. Men saw value in you, even when I didn’t. You have saved me time and again, with your lure of men. Your relationship with men kept me afloat even when they broke my heart and neglected me, they always came back for you. And I can’t resent that, because you save me. You have built a life for me out of rubble and empowered me more than I could have dreamed. And I am always grateful to you for that.
And I am grateful to the paying men you attracted, who have helped reshape my relationship with you. Because I hated you, I really did. You brought me nothing but discomfort, pain and confusion for so much of my life. But these men, they don’t think you’re ugly, not like I do. They’ve shown me how beautiful you can be, and now, with time, they opened up my relationship with you enough that you bring me pleasure, and even euphoria, when once you only caused me pain and shame. They’ve helped me to learn that the blossoming parts of you are feminine and desirable, and to see you in a different light. You don’t look like everyone else, just like I don’t look like everyone else, and that’s what makes us such a great team. You are not the world’s best vagina, but you’re mine and through the hate, I found love for you. Which is great, because we're on this journey together, whether I like it or not.
