Paid sex and intimacy
Paid sex: its not always swinging from the chandeliers.
The recent bill aiming to decriminalise prostitution (or if your not living in 1953, ‘sex work’) in SA parliament has been in the media lately (please lets hope this gets through), with the inevitable accompanying stereotypes of prostitution being related to slavery, underworld crime, drugs, and general seediness. This has been far from my experience and I would really like society to know that there is a gentle side to paid intimacy, far removed from what is portrayed in the media.
As we grow up, apart from the shame generally around sex and intimacy, we are told to expect that you’re going to meet Mr / Ms Right and make each other happy for the rest of your lives.
There are a multitude of people whose circumstances do not fit the fairytale ‘boy sweeps girl of feet, gets married, has babies and live happily ever after’. In our heads, we know this but we still expect that true love will magically appear. In our heads, we also know that sex and intimacy can be a fulfilling, beautiful experience, yet as soon as we think ‘prostitute’, we disconnect the idea of deep intimacy and think that sex in that respect is dirty and shameful.
Here are just a few of the reasons the fairytale is not possible for so many people:
Geography
Australia is vast and often remote. When you grow up / live in a small place, the odds are not in your favour. Many of us sex workers have clients who do 8 - 10 hour round trips just to come and see us. Its a tough gig living in a small town.
Shyness
Painful shyness is hard to overcome. Personally, I love a shy person because it usually indicates a deep thinker and a very kind heart. Once a shy person opens up, they are like a rainbow after a rainstorm. Its a beautiful thing. However, meeting a lover as a shy person is akin to preparing to climb Everest. Daunting as hell. Online dating, Tinder, and speed dating are just not an option a shy person is comfortable with I am told so often.
Erection problems / Premature ejaculation
Hard enough to find a lover when your pipes are in good working order. The need for intimacy does not go away when you have a problem with your anatomy. There is still a deep want for kisses and cuddles and pleasuring a partner. And receiving pleasure yourself in a non judgmental place, with no pressure to perform.
Disability / Illness
Imagine you are single and diagnosed with a terminal illness. You may still have a long while on this planet. Meeting a lover suddenly got exponentially harder. When do you disclose? How could you burden somebody with this? Again, the need for sex and pleasure does not just disappear. The same goes for those born with or acquiring a disability. Why should somebody whose body does not move or work in a typical way, miss out on having their sexual and emotional needs met just because society doesn’t really want to think about it?
High powered jobs
Working a 12 - 20 hour a day job or travelling the globe constantly for work is probably going to make any kind of relationship impractical. I meet wonderful gentlemen who are passionate about their careers and have such expertise in their fields that, oops, it just took over their lives. They know that working hard now will have so many future benefits to the detriment of their current sex lives. And social lives. A bland hotel room is much more palatable with a dinner companion and some intimacy to look forward to.
Partner unable to meet sexual needs
Not all wives are horrified by the thought of their husband seeing an escort. I was chosen by a woman who has a fragile bone disorder and would prefer her husband to have an outlet without breaking her pelvis. Men whose partners cannot be intimate are often deeply saddened and feel torn about their sexual needs. Please can we not add to their shame by stigmatising a safe space where they are not having an emotional affair but getting their physical needs met. Theses guys are torn enough.
Partner has died
This one needs no explanation. Some people are just unable at this point in their lives to ‘find someone else’ but have a need for companionship.
Has a kink / sexual desire they feel ashamed to share with anybody
Sexuality is complex enough but if you have a deep desire for something a little bit different, the feelings of shame and burden that you feel you cannot share can run deep. It could be a simple thing like the enjoyment of massaging stockinged feet, or it could be much more complex. I am not a kink provider and my experience here is limited, but we all have our own personal kinks be them big or small and we should respect them in others.
These people do not need or want your sympathy. They lead otherwise rich and fulfilling lives. Its just that they cannot or do not want to find intimacy in other ways and are more than happy to part with a few dollars to experience what is a basic human need. I feel very grateful that I get to share moments of deep, fulfilling tenderness and if it helps someone live a more joyful and complete existence I am happy. Some go on to meet life partners and I wish them the best. The industry I work in is far more human and complex than it is portrayed in the media and I hope that our laws around sex work in South Australia are soon changed to decriminalise prostitution. Many many sex workers love their jobs and want to be safe and protected. Many many clients are wonderful human beings who don’t want the stigma of engaging in a ‘shady’ and ‘clandestine’ activity. There are no drugs or underworld gangs or sex slaves in my world. Just a need for a human connection. Is there anything wrong with that?
