What makes men and women different in the bedroom?
When I talk about gender, it’s intended to be an open discussion. I’m not one of those people who thinks the sexes are ‘fundamentally different’ (we have more in common than not). Nor do I think that ‘stereotypes exist for a reason’ (vomit). Everyone has their own personality and preferences. The less we confuse our personalities with our gender, the better.
However, as an escort with a few years’ experience I have definitely noticed some tendencies. Aussie culture comes with a lot of baggage. It’s something I’ve heard from my non-working friends too.
“He’s always asking me if I’m enjoying myself, and if I don’t say ‘yes’ enthusiastically enough he gets really upset.”
“He’s insecure about the size of his junk.”
“He wants me to have an orgasm every time we have sex, if it doesn’t happen he feels like he hasn’t done his job.”
Men have a tendency to focus on the physical aspects of a sexual encounter, rather than the emotional. They can also be very genital-focused. It’s often said that women are less centralised when it comes to pleasure – the enjoy touch over many areas of the body rather than just their lady bits.
There is also a tendency to focus on orgasm as the ultimate goal. In the past this may have meant that the guy cumming was the most important thing. In recent years I feel like women are being considered more (thanks feminism!) and the focus has shifted to include the female orgasm too, which is not a bad thing. (It’s important to note that not everyone thinks this way, and it has documented that focus on orgasm to declines with age; young people are more likely to care about getting off, whereas older people are more likely to care about other parts of the experience.)
Here’s the last piece of the puzzle: for many guys, sexual performance is inseparable from their feelings of masculinity, which is in turn inseparable from their self-esteem. This leads to a situation where feeling fulfilled and powerful sexually is critical to their sense of self.
A man of this type (I speculate) likes to think of himself as a high-powered sports car. His success depends on being able to get to the finish line ahead of his competitors (the rest of mankind). Other concerns - how he gets there, how good he looks while he’s doing it - are present but secondary. At the end of the day, the winner is the person who crosses the line fastest. That finish line could be having as many orgasms as possible, or sleeping with as many women as possible. Or it could be more subtle – how many times he makes a woman cum, or how much she looks like she’s enjoying it.
Turning a sexual encounter into a competition with the rest of the male race is fraught with problems. If the finish line is defined as one particular outcome, sex becomes a race where only the best machine will win. It’s a mindset that takes away from the sexual encounter, because one cannot be fully present and enjoy the sensations of sex when one is worrying about one’s performance.
My other concern with this is that it doesn’t allow for genuine care for the partner’s enjoyment. If a woman’s enjoyment is only important because it makes the guy feel good about himself, where is the space for her to be responsible for her own pleasure and enjoy it fully? There can be a lot of pressure to demonstrate enjoyment in a way the guy finds acceptable, or to cum even if it’s not what she is looking for in this particular sexual encounter.
I imagine that moving away from this particular mindset around sex is hard. But it’s also necessary – and beneficial for everyone involved.
For me, sex is a long afternoon drive. There are peaks and there are valleys. We might even stop for lunch (that may or may not be a double entendre). If we’re going out for the afternoon, you don’t need to bring your high-performance vehicle…I’m more interested in the person behind the wheel.