James
I'm writing this about someone that isn’t around anymore, and that’s a bit sad actually because it’s a lovely story about a person who changed my life in the best way.
I sort of hope one day they’ll fall across this post and recognise themselves in it and feel good about that. And even if they don’t, I think it good to acknowledge the beautiful people we cross in our lives, I think too often we dwell on exes in a negative light - where perhaps they played a role in something bigger, leading to where you are now. Often in sex work we have muddled stories about our loves, but I hope I can offer a glimmer of hope to those feeling it impossible to find the love they deserve.
I met James on Tinder, isn’t that how the greatest of romances start? I hadn’t been in Australia very long, and I found his thick FNQ accent really shocking and his overwhelming obsession with camping and any sport that has a ball, somewhat counter to my usual tastes. I’ve never met someone more Aussie in my life. He was loud, eager and our first date was an absolute disaster. I made the mistake of mentioning my sports history to him and he was pretty determined that I wasn’t going to get away from our date without him having seen me in my cricket whites. His loud abrasiveness was somewhat at odds to what I usually go for. I couldn’t have left fast enough - and yet, there was... something. You know, that unexplainable something? He was so open, so happy - so LOUD, I figured I just wasn’t used to it. We kiwis tend to be a little more guarded, a little softer I think lol.
And this is why I let my instinct run my life. Sometimes people aren’t what we expect, and while that might initially put us on edge, I think it’s so important to let that little voice inside have a say - it’s usually right. And it was. At some point I found his exaggerated accent and gargantuan laugh endearing and he became a really important relationship in my life. We were polar opposites in nearly everything. Asides from a love of fucking and progressive relationship styles, we had next to nothing in common. And yet for years we couldn’t stay away from each other - and I have learned that stuff in common is more of a bonus than an essential, for me.
James had a big heart, he had time for everyone in his life and he was loved by everyone in return. Often when we imagine this quintessential ocker Australian bloke, there’s some negative stereotypes with that - and James didn’t live up to a single one of them. I meet very few people in the leftie stereotype (nerdy, introverted etc) who are as open minded and progressive as he was. Hence, dating a sex worker was entirely a non issue for him, even though he hadn’t known any before, and he set the standard for me, for how I expect to be treated regarding my profession.
When you’re a sex worker, dating is more interesting to navigate. I think I have had mostly positive experiences which I know is quite unusual, but there is still a fair bit of emotional labour involved in disclosure, questions and potential awkwardness, or nastiness. In the past I had felt ‘grateful’ to be loved while being a sex worker. I remember in my marriage feeling like I should count myself lucky that someone would have me. And while I was loved, it was often very much ‘in spite’ of my work - hooking was considered a pesky thing they had to deal with, to be with me. At the time I believed that was enough, even though I never got asked how my day was, and had restrictions placed on how I worked to keep them happy. I often get the feeling many in relationships with sex workers feel they are owed something - a gold star, a medal - even a free pass to cheat… But I was grateful still, to be loved.
James was not the first person I dated after my marriage but the first that really held my interest. I remember almost a feeling of suspicion, about just how easy it was to disclose my work and discuss it with him. He didn’t treat me like I had two heads, it wasn’t the most interesting thing about me to him, but he was also happy to hear what I had to say about it. I waited for the catch, it didn’t come, but something else happened.
Every day, James asked how my day was. It’s a small but huge thing for me, as in the past, people didn’t want to know. If I responded about my day and said I was busy with clients - he would congratulate me?! James thought that my succeeding in sex work was a wonderful thing. He became my cheerleader. Every photoshoot I did, every blog I wrote, every big booking I did - I gladly shared with him and he would praise and cheer me on. I would excitedly tell him about a new fetish I catered for or when I landed interesting clients and couples, and he knew I was queer and was so happy for me when I embraced it in my work and advertised specifically to women. If you’re a person that didn’t grow up with praise and have never experienced it, it was kind of mind blowing?! Having someone not just accept my work and my identity but embrace it with this positive energy - I had never felt ‘lighter’ or more supported. I simply didn’t know this could be possible. This is a feeling I wish I could bottle and share.
His positive influence on my life really altered my world view. I thought to myself - women in other professions, doing their ‘girl boss’ thing, receive a lot of praise and support in their lives from their partners. Why shouldn’t I? Being shown that it was possible to receive these lovely messages, that other people take for granted, made me realise that there was no reason that I should have to compromise on how I’m treated, simply because of my profession. My profession is not everything I am, but had so greatly hamstrung my expectations in relationships. For years James was effortlessly in my corner, whether I had a good day, bad day and everything in between. No-one (other than my Dad, but he deserves his own book) in my past has done more for my confidence and self esteem than he did. Sometimes when you’re an online person with plenty of followers and showing your ass - there’s hate and trolling. I’ve copped a bit online in the past and I sometimes think, that if someone hadn’t shown me my value with such determination for such a long time, being alone in this country - I may have believed it. And I also know that perhaps I would have accepted poor behaviour in other relationships, if I hadn’t been shown differently. Knowing what I want and what to advocate for is integral to navigating a love life alongside my job - I don’t have the time to waste on anything less. Being polyamorous, this bolstered worldview has been essential for me to form the connections I want in my life and find love that suits and supports me. In alternative lifestyles sometimes people lack the history, knowledge and confidence to form the connections they dream of, and I can look back on my history and pinpoint exactly where I found the boost I needed to make it work and fall in love again with a sense of security.
I hope everyone in their life, has a James. James was not the love of my life, but he was an important person on the path to finding it - he was good for me and helped steer me along this path with confidence and self assertion, build my business in the direction I felt I deserved and most importantly, helped rebuild belief in myself after a life tinged with trauma and complicated romance. I do believe not every good love has to be forever, life pushes and pulls us around and we have to make the most of the time we have. When I look at where I stand now in my life, I can’t help but feel gratitude for good men who set that standard, because too often I have been exposed to the bad and could easily lack all faith - but the good ones? They can be life changing. In a lifestyle full of John’s, I truly believe we each deserve our James.
(No offense if your actual name is John).
