Consent isn't awkward, but poking me in the bum is
In my sessions with clients, before we get to the action, I always start with asking about what everyone wants, feels, and might be anxious about. Typically, this conversation covers these points:
Have you done this before?
Is there anything you’re wanting to try out?
What are your boundaries or things you’re not okay with?
Often, when I ask about boundaries, people respond with something like, "Oh, nothing, everything is fine, I think." And that response is totally understandable, especially for those of us who tend to be people pleasers! From a young age a lot of us are taught to be agreeable, easy-going, and to avoid saying no.
However, in these sexual situations where emotions might be running higher, our boundaries keep us safe physically, emotionally, and mentally. For example, would you actually be okay if I said, "Alright, dress up in a gimp suit and run around the hotel restaurant?" (Not that I would ever ask anyone to do that!) The point is, it’s normal and healthy to have boundaries. Talking about them upfront means we are all on the same page (and noone gets told to run around a restaurant in a gimp suit!)
When someone tells me, "We’re fine with anything," I take the opportunity to share my own boundaries. For example: Condoms are always to be worn with me, I’m not into anal play, and if you want to try something new with my body, please ask first so I’m not caught off guard.
When I share my boundaries, it allows clients to feel comfortable sharing their boundaries in kind. It’s not uncommon to hear things like, "Oh, I actually don’t enjoy [insert activity here]," or, "I’m okay not using a condom with my partner, but I’d prefer a dental dam with you."
Time flies naturally in my sessions as we explore each other's company and bodies. I do however recall one instance where a session came to an abrupt halt - and it could have been entirely prevented with a simple question. A client, without warning, inserted a finger where the sun doesn’t shine, causing me to scream in pain. OW! That was a real mood killer. The scene broke, and we had to take ten minutes to get cream and painkillers. All the fun, build-up, and connection we had created could have been preserved with a simple, "Would you like me to do this?"
Asking for consent doesn’t have to be awkward - and noone should ever feel embarrassed to double check! But when we don't ask, that's when the real awkward situations can happen.
I get it, often with long-term partners, we might not explicitly ask for certain things every time. Why? Because we already know our partner’s desires and body language! But when you’re involving someone new for the first time, you can’t assume they share the same desires or responses as your partner. Checking in with your new partner about what they like and how they feel is far sexier than just assuming.
We love being pleased, and there’s nothing sexier than someone asking how they can pleasure us best, so ask away!
