diary of trans escort Ftm Fin Wilder: Erections – we want them, we have them… and then they’re gone
As a student of somatic sexology, I was taught that premature ejaculation (PE) was the most common issue younger men would seek help for. At the older end of the spectrum, I was told to expect more clients experiencing erectile difficulty (ED).
That was over a decade ago, and at the time, it felt accurate.
More recently, though, I’ve noticed an uptick in men presenting with difficulty either maintaining an erection or ejaculating, and at the more extreme end, an inability to do so with a partner at all. ED appears to be trending younger, and quickly.
What does this look like?
These men often arrive highly aroused and able to achieve a full erection. However, once they begin engaging in the kind of partnered sex they’ve come for, they quickly lose it.
Sex workers report that after expending considerable energy trying to please these clients, they may eventually suggest the client masturbate. What follows is often a familiar scene: the client gripping tightly, chasing orgasm with increasing frustration, urgency, or shame.
The result? Both provider and client leave the interaction feeling exasperated and dissatisfied.
Why is this happening?
It’s easy to blame porn, and I think that’s part of the picture.
Much of today’s porn is made up of short, high-intensity clips: brief moments of interaction followed by repeated “money shots,” delivered in an endless stream. This conditions arousal toward intensity, novelty, and control - rather than mutual, responsive intimacy between two living, breathing people.
But this isn’t just about porn. It reflects a broader shift in how we consume media. Our attention spans are shrinking, and our capacity to stay present with slower, more nuanced experiences is decreasing.
Sex, unfortunately, doesn’t always compete well with that.
Where to from here?
Across a lifetime, it’s completely normal for erectile reliability to change. Testosterone naturally declines, and factors like medication, stress, and health conditions all play a role. At “sex school,” we sometimes referred to this as “inevitable D”, difficulty, rather than dysfunction.
The good news? There’s a lot we can do.
The less convenient news? There’s no quick fix.
Relearning arousal often involves a process similar to reducing social media use—you might notice restlessness, a craving for intensity, or a pull back toward old habits. Part of the work is learning to sit with experiences that feel more “ordinary,” and discovering the richness within them.
This is where skilled, interactive erotic educators can make a difference. In my Erotic Growth sessions we use play, laughter, shared experience, attuned nervous system monitoring, and genuine human connection, to help expand what pleasure can look like.
Often, the work begins by shifting focus away from the genitals altogether. The goal isn’t just to “fix” erections, but to rewrite the script—to move beyond a narrow model of sexuality and into something more flexible, connected, and satisfying.
Crucially, this process invites you to slow down. With the support of an attuned and experienced practitioner, you can receive real-time feedback, build awareness, and find a rhythm that works with your body - not against it.
