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Throwing in the Towel?

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This blog is from the perspective of the male client and may give you an insight into what goes on inside the minds of one (as crazy probably as you will find). I am just one of many out there but here is my voice yet again allowed to be published in Scarlet Blue xxoo. I hope you find it an interesting read. Otherwise thanks for reading at least. This process of blogging is somewhat cathartic.

I will start by saying I have been on the verge of ending my 'play' in the fantasy world of private escorts for a little while now and have been out of the game for a number of months whilst I settle with myself where I want to go and what I want to do. As we reach 6 months into 2017 and reflect on it all there have the most amazing and memorable experiences ever in my life, but also some of my not so amazing times and experiences. Don't worry the good definitely outweighs the bad. I have grown as a man in many ways through seeing those I have shared time with, some have really taught me much more than they will ever really know. I have written other blogs about this on Scarlet Blue (confidence, growth, experience etc) but I guess it was my last blog entry here that mainly has led to this one (The Good, The Bad, The Ugly). Add to that some more recent dealings 'offline' with some ladies I know have assisted in the decision making process. 

My style as a client is to be myself but also for me to bring my best of me to the booking. We all are human beings who have good and bad days, only normal to be so. But when you walk through that door and enter the fantasy world it really is the opportunity to just be in that moment and let all the the rest of the world disappear for a while, hence bringing the best of yourself to the booking. I know I am paying for a service of companionship which is supposed to be about me (I have seen some recent publications from SWs stating this...even trying to figure out when the washing is to be done or the shopping list whilst in a booking), but my true nature is really more caring and for mutual satisfaction/enjoyment. It is never just about me in a booking. To be brutally honest the thought of someone being there in my company because of just the money does not sit well with me and I would hope that those I do see would in fact be wanting to spend time with me, not just counting the minutes/hours go by. Apart from the newspaper articles I have also read tweets about how some ladies actually do exactly that. I am not naive, I am sure it has happened with me but there has been input into other blogs by some who helped me write about how the times made them so happy to be in such bookings. But at the end of the day I am not a big player in the sense of many many ladies I see. In truth I can count on one hand my true a few others that I will try and see. Certainly not the one offs in general either as I like the comfort and enjoyment of building the rapport with someone. I like to plan ahead with pretty much 90% of my bookings, usually many many months (3-6mths) ahead. This is to ensure a date amongst the myriad of other life impacts as well as giving certainty to the beautiful soul of a person who has agreed to share time with me. My bookings too range from the very simple lets do 2 hours, the lunch/dinner date in some nicely personalised setting to the very very rare overnight (to date only 3 done). Every booking is totally remembered and every one of them is unique, even with the regulars that I have seen many times. I had even managed to involve a fellow twitter mate into a booking last year which was truly something else and pushed me way beyond my comfort zone (and yes we do want to have more experiences). Something my other life mates would never ever consider. These all really are the reasons I enjoy the experience of a private companion.

So why if everything has been so great, so memorable and so fantastic to just stop and throw in the towel?  There in lies the internal struggle...

The world of private escorts has provided me so much enjoyment and richness of experience over the last 4 years. It is quite an expensive sideline to the rest of my life I lead but I do put that aside when I outweigh it by the 'relationships' I have established with those I see. Whilst rate variations and booking costs are always a pressure it is not the reason; as I can simply reduce the number of bookings to what I can truly afford. That I have actually done as I did go a little overboard for a while. No simply it is a number of recent experiences and emotional pains that have made me question myself, what I am doing and if I belong here. As I said the ongoing relationships I have established with the few I treasure dearly, so much so that if anything was to happen to one of them ending suddenly or even worse end on bad terms then I become what some would term as depressed, or at least meloncholic.  I am an emotional puddle of a man! So it was when some of this happened this year as one looked like they had ended suddenly (the 'Vanisher' from the industry) or even worse the ending on bad terms (my bad...see my recent I said there I only wish I could go back in time or have the opportunity to show the remorse in you can tell still raw on my side). 

It was in fact these incidents that sparked a time out of 4 months from everything and sent me hurtling towards this question... Should I just walk away from it all and stop seeing private companions? Maybe it would be better to reduce the bookings to a simpler "establishment" based booking, still have the fun within the confines of the room but not try to strike up any form of relationship as a client, keeping my very emotional side sheltered away from it all? It sounds callous and heartless in a way, and I can assure you when I have stepped into a booking in an establishment I am actually the same person as in a private setting. But the vibe is distinctly different to the private setting. Like many guys I started this all by going to an establishment to see ladies and I still remember them all...a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman and there certainly are many there. Even as a man who likes the companionship in the private setting I have been to see a specific lady this year in an establishment because that was where she only worked. Her allure was more than enough to get me there and it was magical. But then I had a break from it all. The establishment option would be cheaper, more agile in my ability to just go when I wanted and less taxing on the mind. Hey this was all starting to make sense...I was now in the serious consideration zone of making the decision of towel tossing.

Then a few things happened that changed my view, made me realise what I had was special and something that is still to be I have decided not to throw in the towel because of...

The "Long Term Regular" who is the ever so beautiful, caring long time regular that seems to know when this Mr is not quite himself. How she ever so gently nudges him and lets him know it. Damn it when they get to know you that well, how a simple subtle reminder out of nowhere just washes any doubt away. It is actually one of THE main reasons why I still remain in play. I know one day things will end as one of us will retire. If she does then maybe that in itself might be the day I retire. Until then I try and make the effort as a client in whatever small way I can within my means. Usually it is booked well ahead for something very memorable for us both.

The 'Vanisher' who eventually reappeared and all was explained. I still know that feeling though when the vanish happened so I know I am still vulnerable if it happens again. But hey when the experience is what it is when you are in her company then you put it all aside to keep seeing her for as long and often as I can.

The "Long Distant Companion" who whilst I have only seen a couple of times (due to my bad schedule, clash of diaries and time out) but we remained close still through communication. Through it all she was simply there offering her own wisdom, support and being brutally gentle in her honesty. I trust, respect and admire her for that.

The "I Wish We Could Say Hello Again" fold who still to this day I want to see again. Who still to this day remain in contact and have been amazing people.

So there you have it the internal tussel and struggles of a man...trying to make sense of it all. Only to realise that right in front of him are the true reasons of why not to throw in the towel. This is probably just another step of self actualisation on the path of ... I still am not sure what to call it.

Thankyou to those I know and cherish. You are amazing beyond these words.

Mr L
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