The Good, The Bad and The Ugly – All 3 in All of Us Somewhere
A different kind of blog this time, one of self-reflection and well it has been a while since the last one (Dec 2016). I know I am still the only male to have posted a blog on Scarlet Blue but I am glad to see not the only one to be posting the ‘client’ viewpoint out there on the internet of things. I bow to one prolific writer (SP) who has indeed taken to blogging with such gusto but sadly in some cases criticism by both other clients and sex workers. The idea of a blog is to enable a space where someone can write creatively and hopefully provide insight into a topic that may not be widely spoken about. It sometimes hits the mark and sometimes may fall a little short of the writer’s or reader’s expectations. But certainly not ever is it something that the writer should be harassed for. So again to the clients out there, have a think about writing from your perspective. To the critics of bloggers, all fair to have a say about the blog but be nice and give constructive criticism. I normally have received favourable comments to the blogs I have had published here, though this one may push the envelope.
So why the title? No it not a spaghetti western featuring Clint Eastwood or even the remake. The only relation to the 3 characters from the movie Blondie (the Good), Tuco (the Ugly) and Angel Eyes (the Bad) is that in this case they are all in one person…me. Frankly it is a matter of self-reflection of how one sees themselves sometimes either in the mirror, or after having said or written something you wish you had not.
We all strive to be ‘Good’ at heart and if I was honest to myself I am that person. A large part of my professional career was about dealing with people from all walks in life, seeing them at their most vulnerable, shed of society’s belongings and in most cases entrusting their life in your care. Everyone I ever met in that period of my life were always distilled down to the basic of human emotions, physical abilities and mindful being … and never were they really bad people at heart (and yes there were quite a few people who were visiting from the penitentiary!). During these years I formed a very caring and trusting nature which just refined what already existed. Whilst it has been a few years since being out of that profession/mode I never am able to remove that element of caring. Even now in this world of play and fantasy…the caring nature resides and sometimes amplifies. I would like to think that anyone who has met me would say I am a caring person, even those who have parted ways for different reasons.
I recently watched the whole series of WestWorld and thought, how interesting it would be to go into a place where you could do whatever you want, with whoever you want and be whoever you wanted to be without any consequences. The WestWorld experience was a pretty violent arena and that is certainly not the element I would have searched for. More the sexual experiences and fantasies one could act out. Seeing a private companion does allow for fantasy to occur and experiences to be had with relatively little consequence to your other life you live. This play and fantasy world though is one which can sometimes lead to a blurring of the picture in front of us or in our mind. Where the realness can sometimes be overwhelming or create a false sense of reality. That is when things can go a little blurry or fuzzy in the mind. It is a funny thing though, that no matter how hard one might try to play a ‘persona’ in the play life it pretty much disappears within a matter of seconds. The real personality comes through and any thoughts of acting to be something you are not falls away. Maybe I was never a good actor in playing another personality. Hats off to those that can but not this chump!
So really why the Bad and the Ugly? Deep breath and a sigh. Well in reality we all harbor these elements in us and in some they are buried deep deep down in us. How they manifest and be allowed to display outwardly varies greatly with some people. Some never let these sides of ‘self’ appear, whilst others allow them to take over completely. In this blog I admit it, they appear for me but it is rare and probably measured in comparison to the homicidal axe wielding maniac! It is more the caring persona amplified, the over thinker, sometimes inpatient and the one who reads between lines that ultimately never existed. But they have appeared on rare occasions and always in hindsight you look back only to sigh in complete utter embarrassment and disappointment at one’s self. I actually hold myself to a high level of self scrutiny and expectations so when I fail myself I fall hard from a lofty height. One sees of how bad clients have behaved and how they have treated women, to the extent of physical abuse. It is truly the ugly side of the business and one I would never end up in. I am just not ever someone that would harm another person. In my personal life I have even ostracised direct family members for a whole range of reasons which included this (not easy to do and not see your own father or father in laws).
The ‘Bad’ is when the moods change and thoughts prevail where you read between the lines or a scenario only to realise…they never even existed. The ‘Ugly’ is when you don’t realise that and say or write something really stupid to someone you care about. Only to realise how stupid you were and the amplified persona has somehow been released.
Outcomes…sadly two options and both at a price. To stay or go. I will say it has only happened a couple of times.
GO… I never want to go, EVER, even with potentially a rough path ahead. Sadly (and I mean that completely) and with full respect to the other person it has led to a parting of ways. Even after giving some space and eventually me mustering up the courage to ask to reconcile it was to no avail. I was not brave in asking, more hopeful in trying to be the better person they thought of before I said the stupid. Brave for me would have been the reconcile option for us both. When venturing to the particular city interstate again it was a challenge for me and I lamented in my stupidity with two vices, work and eventually some bourbon. I chose not to ‘play’ as I would not have been my usual self (at least I was not that stupid), and a catch up with a male mate was put on hold at the last minute. I only ever wanted for the best in life and respect her for the path chosen. The ultimate price.
STAY…If allowed to stay then it too comes at a price as you literally build the bridge to get over it, re-establish trust with the person and see where it takes you. A good number of years back when I was relatively new to all of this it all went pear shaped quickly. My bad…and after a good of while of space I asked to meet in person (paid as well). I was fortunate that the other person was willing to even see me, talk it through, accept an in person heartfelt apology, wipe a few tears away and lay down the law with me! I adhere to it to this day. On that night we made up in the best way possible (there is really something to be said for makeup sex!). I have seen her many times after this and out of it we became even closer. Though I do adhere to the law laid down that night the relationship between us is great. Every now and then I say thanks in different ways, rebooking months in advance (not as often as one would wish but she knows why), a personally chosen delivered present or even the odd message just saying thankyou for her everything. But never an impost. Her perceptiveness even knows when I am not my normal self and the check in is always on pointe and heart warming. To think it could have gone the other way, with the most amazing times over the years since never happening. It is why I am thankful, but also regretful when the outcome is to ‘go’. But I understand :-( .
So … the take home message. Don’t let the Bad (Angel Eyes) and Ugly (Tuco) out… no matter what. Just be the Good (Blondie) person you really are at heart and be their shine, their reason to want to meet you, their happiness. And try not to end up in a gun fight in a spaghetti western but of you do be Clint because well damn he is just one cool dude!