I once had a friend who was really tired of hearing the word ‘anal.’

She worked as a receptionist in a parlour in Melbourne. For most guys ‘butt­sex’ is the kinkiest thing they will ever get up to...this is unfortunate, but it still makes them very happy. So this receptionist was besieged on the phone day and night by guys who would call up and ask over and over: ‘Do your girls do anal?’

It doesn’t sound very pretty, particularly when uttered in a broad Australian accent: “Do ya do anal, luv?”

My friend could never bring herself to utter the word after she had put the phone down. Instead she’d say “Hey girls! That guy wants to go to the beach again! Any ladies who enjoy going to the beach? Anyone?”

The sex industry loves its euphemisms, both to spare those with delicate sensibilities and to preserve a little class and mystery. Some women are annoyed by code words and wish people would just use the ones they mean. Others feel it’s more polite to stick to the agreed terminology. Being a lover of language, I enjoy my euphemisms just as much as my swear words. I have spoken with men who shyly enquired about ‘Greek’ (anal sex), ‘Spanish’ (sex between the breasts) and ‘passionate services’ (that’s a long way to say ‘do you kiss?’) and I find it quite charming.

Not so charming was the gentleman who declared, with great fervour, that I had a ‘grouse cheeseburger’. It was all the more horrifying because it was meant as a heartfelt, sincere compliment!

Want to sound like someone who frequents online escort review sites? The acronym is your friend! Adapting to the terse nature of online communication, the lingo is much more abbreviated, like something you’d see in a medical textbook. You can ask for a CBJ (Covered Blow Job), COB (Cum on Breasts), COF (Cum on Face), or even a TTF (Testicular Tongue Massage). Frequent use of acronyms isn’t always a good thing; personally, I find them cold and impersonal. I’d much rather have someone say “Is it okay if I cum on your breasts?” than “do you do COB?”.

The two most commonly­ used online acronyms are GFE (girlfriend experience) and PSE (porn star experience). These attempt to classify the varied talents and personalities of many different women into one of two simple archetypes – is she caring and sensual, or is she wanton and daring? Even ignoring the fact that it’s not realistic, it can also give rise to misunderstandings about what’s involved. The GFE term comes up often when men wish to know if I kiss, or if they are seeking a specifically caring and cuddly session. PSE is open to interpretation, and men’s ideas of what constitutes PSE can be quite broad (loud sex, anal, toys, acrobatic positions, etcetera). I find it’s more helpful to ask specifically for cuddling, kissing or fantasies as it leaves less room for misunderstanding.

Sometimes a euphemism can mask something a bit more sinister. I have learnt to avoid anyone who asks ‘do you like to party?’ because it invariably means they’re doing drugs – something I want nothing to do with. I also disapprove of people asking for ‘natural oral’ or ‘natural sex’­ it’s unsafe sex, plain and simple, and I don’t think anyone should try and make it sound any more legitimate.

If you’re kinky then things are a bit technical, and there are so many terms you may use depending on your specific interests! The fetish scene has a unique language of its own and it’s best to become acquainted with the common words before you experiment. Knowing if you’re a ‘top’ (the one who does things to someone else) or a ‘bottom’ (the one who has things done to them) is crucial. One that I’m asked for often is ‘golden showers’ or ‘watersports’ (weeing on someone). ‘Blood play’ means piercing and cutting (not that you finger paint using someone’s bodily fluids, although I’ve often thought on it). And don’t ask a professional dominatrix for CBT (cock and ball torture) unless you’re sure that’s what you want. Incidentally, if you’re requesting a CBJ like we mentioned earlier, make sure your finger doesn’t slip on the last key!

With a wealth of code words and acronyms at my disposal, I’m never caught short no matter what language my clients choose to use. I hope that one day I’ll encounter the guy who complimented my ‘cheeseburger’ again so that I can tell him he has a ‘champion pork sausage’.