On Being Genuine
At a really basic level, everyone is insecure about sex. We aren't raised to feel good about our
sexual selves – there's something shameful and embarrassing about it, even if you have the good
fortune to grow up with very open-minded parents like I did. All the bad sex education we get as
children sticks with us - as adults we worry about how we look naked, or about our performance in
the sack. Men often worry that they haven't had 'enough' experience and women often worry that
having 'too much' experience makes them a bad person.
Insecurity with sex makes up a huge part of men's general insecurity around their own masculinity.
It seems to be expected that a man will instinctively know how to fuck, like it's some sort of primal
genetic memory rather than a learned skill. I don't think this has gotten much better despite the
sexual revolution – things have just changed. There has been shift away from male gratification so
that men's assessment of their own performance in bed is more about female pleasure. This attitude
has two big problems:
1. It's still about the guy bolstering up his insecurity around sex (it doesn't fix the problem)
2. Because pleasure is subjective, there tends to be a fixation on the female orgasm as some
sort of score-card ("I gave her eight!")
This need to 'score big' by making girls cum really throws a spanner in the works when it comes to
sex work. Clients pay workers for their time and intimacy, but their sense of masculinity still needs
a bit of TLC. Because sex is such an emotional activity, it's hard to reconcile the fact that they are
paying for sex with their need for genuine feedback.
Sometimes it's all too hard and my client abandons the idea of satisfying me entirely. This is okay,
as long as they are being respectful, but I feel like they're missing out on a lot of the intimacy that
comes from exchanging sexual favours with your partner.
Some guys go completely the other way - they are continually asking for reassurance that my
response is genuine. They might ask "do you fake your orgasms?" or "do you really like that, or are
you just pretending?" If this questioning interrupts the natural flow of the encounter, it gets in the
way of me actually enjoying myself. I feel like I'm under pressure to over-act just so that my client
feels like I'm being genuine. And I HATE faking orgasms! It feels like I'm starring in a low-budget
porn movie. I refuse to do it.
I think it's totally fine to need some validation of your sexual performance. It's okay to need to feel
appreciated. Sex work is not just about sex – it also involves making someone feel sexy and
wanted. HOWEVER: If you want your partner to be truly genuine, then you need to be open to risk
and give her space to express herself. She may praise you, or not. She may offer some valuable
constructive criticism (something that's very hard to come by in the bedroom). You can't have your
cake and eat it too! If you want honest enjoyment, you need to be open to whatever experience
comes (pardon the pun).
If the idea of being open to failure makes you break out in a cold sweat, there is some good news.
Firstly, male and female pleasure are not mutually exclusive; you can have a great time and she can
have a great time without either of you having to sacrifice your enjoyment. I also believe that
responsibility for good sex is shared – it's not all about you being a hero in the bedroom. Sex is
about two people interacting; we work together. Accepting shared responsibility leaves more room
for being ourselves.
If you leave your expectations open, encounters that do go really well are incredibly satisfying. I
love not having to ask if someone is having a good time – when it's obvious in their eyes and the
way their body moves, that's much more powerful and it makes me feel like a million bucks.