Escorts and clients: sometimes we have more in common than we think.

Last week I spoke with one of my coaching clients - a lovely gent in search of the right escort. "How do I know if my escort really likes me?" he said. "How can I tell if they're going to treat me fairly and be a good long-term investment?"

And just the next day, I chatted with an escort friend at my local cafe. The questions were remarkably similar. "How do I tell if client is going to be reliable?" she asked, between sips of coffee. "If they make a generous offer of money or gifts, is it too good to be true? How do I know who to trust?"

When it comes to sex, relationships, and seeing escorts, I'm a big fan of 'simply asking.' We often over-complicate our sexual lives, because we're so afraid to be honest. We hesitate to ask for what we want or are too shy to find out what we need to know. Life is too damn short to guess what other people are thinking. When it comes to pleasing someone in bed, knowing what type of perfume they prefer, or working out if they're happy after a booking, my advice will always be 'just ask, goddammit!'

But the direct approach doesn't always work. It's important to be honest about what you need ... but when it comes to finding out whether someone is right for you, actions speak louder than words.

A friend of mine visits brothels to see sex workers. He's a friendly, playful guy, and he prefers to spend time with women who are equally open and playful. When he enters the brothel, he's seated in an interview room and the ladies come through to meet him one by one. Their greetings are short, and they usually say, 'is there anything you want to know?' At this point, he's flummoxed.

"How can I ask if they're playful and friendly?" he says to me.  "I mean, surely they're all going to say 'yes!' It doesn't tell me anything about their personalities."

This is a common problem, for both escorts and clients alike. When we're trying to work out whether we'll get along with someone, we often don't have much time to make the decision. We may only have a short conversation, a few emails, or a brief meeting over coffee. Asking directly might seem like a good idea, but it's not the whole answer, for three reasons:

1. Your escort might feel pressured to say what you want to hear.

2. People often don't know themselves very well. For example, we think we're cheerful, but to others we seem serious; we think we're punctual, but in reality, we're less than perfect.

3. Even when we're honest and accurate, it's no guarantee you'll get along. Everyone behaves differently with different people. If you don't 'click' with that person, you're not going to experience their best side.

"Yes! I'm totally friendly and open," my friend's potential worker may reply. But when they're in the room together, that might not be the case. She might make awkward small talk or act nervously. Although my friend may feel deceived, it's nobody's fault; we're not all designed to hit it off, and it's impossible to know how that connection will feel until you try.

This is why, when it comes to working out if someone is right for you, observing the way they act (and the way they make you feel) is much more effective than asking.

"Try asking them a playful question when they first meet you," I suggest. "Y'know, like 'what's your favourite hobby?' or 'What's the best thing that's happened to you today?' If you start a friendly conversation, seeing how they respond to that will give you a feel for whether they're a good match."

It works the same way for clients too. If I'm not sure whether a new client is friendly, I'll test them by suggesting a few things we might like to try. Their response tells me a lot about them: if they're grumpy or unfriendly when I suggest new activities, they might not suit me. But if they are interested in my needs and my suggestions, I know we're going to get along.

With all relationships, how people act is more important than what they say. And how you feel about their actions is they key - it will tell you if they're right for you. In a situation where you're putting your money, time and emotions on the line, paying attention to the way our partners act is essential.

By observing actions ... and listening to our feelings... we can spot the escorts (and clients, in my case) who will bring us joy.