Happiness (or GFE part 2)
Originally wrote them together but decided that really it’s a whole another topic.
It can be frustrating when guys assume that I can’t possibly be happy because I do this job. Even ones who book me, ones who know how picky I am with who I see, ones who see my Twitter posts, and understand the industry, still there is a degree of pity. I admit I did start this for money, was planning on only working a month to get out of debt, but now I’m still here, and loving it. No, not all of it, mostly the stigma and social restrictions majorly suck. But not the work itself. Having to lie to my family / friends and traveling under the radar is painful. Being unable to proudly declare to the world that I’m a paid companion, a lover for hire, my purpose in life is to help with self confidence, teach the art of lovemaking, be a friend to the lonely, cheer up the sad, to make a person feel wanted and desired who normally wouldn’t feel appreciated, to listen to someone who needs a non judgemental ear, to bring to life someone’s fantasy, to give physical contact to someone who is starving for touch… We bring so much happiness to the world, yet are made to feel ashamed and need to hide or forever fight and try to prove our worth. Visits to us should be covered under medicare! In most cases more therapeutic and beneficial than doctors….
To be true to myself I do my best to only attract people who will add something positive to my life, and ones who in return I’ll be able to add something positive to theirs. Beyond money to pay my bills, which mind you I tend to accumulate faster than I can blink. By being this choosy and because of my writings and my Twitter persona, I pay for it by having quiet weeks in which I wonder if anyone would even book me again, if anyone is even interested in someone this weird, unique, crazy and different… Then someone comes along who I wonder how I lived my whole life without knowing this person, with whom we have a blast and I trust my way has it’s merits. Also when I have weeks full of bookings with my regulars who I see as friends, I’m the happiest person alive. I’m not making as much as I could, but being sane is important to me.
I have anxiety disorder, it doesn’t show up in bookings at all, thanks to adrenaline kicking in, or some other fancy hormone or something else which I try not to analyse too much, but I’m most grateful to it, as I stay calm, and even come across to strangers as extremely calm, doesn’t matter how anxious I can be on the inside. Usually I pay for it with sleepless nights after bookings and other health issues.
So to keep as sane as possible, and to be able to stay off anxiety meds, live a happy, balanced life, have enough “me” time as being an introvert I need it, I try to only meet people who truly care about my happiness. This statement sounds ludicrous to the few who believe since I get paid, I’m a little servant / slave to the masters with money, but many who do book me, will appreciate that I know that they care and is very grateful for their friendship.
I believe that by kissing, sharing our bodies, we exchange more than bodily fluids, but parts of our spirit. I wish to do it with people I respect and adore. I have met so many amazing people in my 1.5 years in the industry. People I never would have met otherwise.
Also I stayed in hotels, and went to places I wouldn’t have otherwise, I constantly fly, and love the take off and landing parts of travel, also the uninterrupted ability to think above the clouds. Even thou airplane air seriously damages my skin, and possibly hormones too.
I choose my own time table more or less, I can schedule days / weeks off if I wish. I’m not terrified to switch my phone on in the morning, as majority of messages are all positive ones, I feel loved and appreciated a lot of the time. I had a few health issues show up over the last month, and had so much support and actual real help from people.
Unfortunately I have had some bad experiences in this time too. Things I wish I could just forget. But for the moment being it’s the balance I’m happy with. I have grown as a person, I’ve learned much about myself, even about my sexuality, while before I thought I already know it all!
I still don’t have all the answers, and possibly won’t find them this lifetime. But after being spiritually stuck for a few years there, I’m making progress of discovery.
So no point in pitying me, or counting my money that I’m apparently making. Things are never as they seem.
Kisses from this gentle, slightly messed up demon.