escort diary® of Isabella Lawrence

Reflections on my sex work evolution

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When I began my secret life I was terrified. I was terrified of myself, of my shadow, of the steps I was taking, of being found out, of discovering I couldn't do it but I wasn't terrified of sex. I had a need, a need to make money fast to pay legal bills from a custody battle and to support my little family. We were at rock bottom.

I had a choice, drugs or sex...what else makes lots of money fast? I chose sex, as it is legal and I felt comfortable with sex. I didn't feel comfortable with sex work or with myself but I didnt give those things much thought oddly enough. I think I thought sex would be sex whether it was work or not and that "I" wouldn't matter much, Determination would get me through as it had always gotten me through. Little did I know the voyage of discovery I was embarking on would lead me through darkness to light with a myriad of whirlpools and waves along the way.

My children are my responsibility and I take that very seriously. I needed to provide for them and so I did. What ensued was a fast forward blur of experiences, flying by the seat of my pants, always running on adrenaline and fear....of failure, of discovery,of physical danger. A year of the good the bad and the ugly, a year where I trusted too much and gave away way too much. Once in particular I gave away my heart in a very trusting and innocent way only to have it snapped in two by reality.

My first months were full of mistakes and triumphs...I was good at this stuff but I gave way too much away. It was hard for me to understand being in bed with someone did not equal intimacy. As my clothes came off my guard came down and that was my big mistake. I was too real and too innocent. That realness and openness meant that I made great connections some of whom remain with me now as clients but it also meant I was chewed up and spat out by some of the sharks on the scene. Slowly I learnt to create intimacy in a way that kept me safer, a cocoon of boundaries which I have crafted as I have learnt until my real world is entirely separate from my sex work world. It took time to undrrstand the sex worker client alliance is much like a therapist client alliance, it is not an equal sharing, that is not healthy.

For a long time I struggled with my own inbuilt societal prejudices against sex work. This meant I was in continual conflict with myself and this compounded the difficult nature of the work itself until finally I realised I had reached a place of peace. I realised that what I do is provide a safe place of comfort and gentleness for people who seek it. A place of acceptance and affection which is otherwise missing. This work is a kind of therapy, humans nurturing and caring for other humans outside the constraints of their everyday life. I love that I can provide that for the men who connect with me. This work has rebuilt my finances, my self esteem, my confidence, my belief in myself and my optimism. I have developed a thriving business of companionship and sensuality as a mature woman with a body of a size that society would believe precludes such success. I have proven one can rise from the abyss and it has nothing to do with physicality and everything to do with mindset and compassion for others.

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SCARLET BLUE.
INDEPENDENT ESCORTS AUSTRALIA
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