Adelaide Cool Cat Clowder / The Self-care lie
This entry is a mix of a big thank you and a little pondering about self-care.
Everybody who follows me on Twitter, has met me in person or is a client or regular of mine knows I like to burn the candle on both ends, am relentlessly active juggling a part time time day job, an internship and escorting - of course trying to do it all 100% as I take pride in my work - or let's say in everything I do ( yes I am a Leo ).
What I didn't prioritise, what I completely missed, what I didn't care about one bit - despite friends and lovers warning me, even gifting me time-out presents like a massage or spa voucher - was myself. And I did that thoroughly. The last weeks leading up to my Adelaide tour, which despite all odds and previous assumptions of mine has become my favourite destination of all, were challenging to say the least. I felt I had nothing left to
give, nothing inside of me worth sharing, no unforced smiles or laughter, no helping hand for others, no capacity to listen to anything but my own aching body and soul.
Instead of nurturing and healing myself, I did my best to whip myself in shape to be my warmest, loveliest and best presented self at work, during interning and bookings, pushed myself to outgrow my capacity to teach, coach, listen, care, sooth, be funny and loveable - to be my very best.
Thursday night I just couldn't hold up this farce I've been struggling with. I didn't sleep but fretted anxiously in bed thinking about what was about to 'had to be delivered' in Adelaide. This situation erupted in me cancelling all appointments at around 4.30am in the morning for the entire fully booked time as I simply did not know what else to do.
Cancelling an all pre-paid tour ( I always pay everything weeks ahead ) is obviously a financial nightmare, any escort who has been in a similar or the same situation will know this - not to mention all the deposits that potentially have to be returned if the client decides to give my next visit a miss. Enough to be stressed about already.
Though apart from the lost money I found myself most concerned about what my clients would think of me, would they be offended? Or angry? Or so disappointed to not reschedule? My brain was running thousands of head-miles per minute
especially as I had to end my last stay in SA only half way through due to one of my debilitating migraines.
This beautiful little city called Adelaide comes to hold a few of of my most precious clients whom I not only highly appreciate as such but also feel friendship, even a kind of love for. To lose these particular lovers would have been a huge blow for me.
But what did I beat myself up about? Every single message I received in return to the bad news I delivered was full of positive reaffirmation, understanding, love. This was one of the best feelings I had in a while. To be cared for, to matter to my clients this much to put their own disappointment and ego aside, to be understood, to be missed and to be still awaited for in the future - I never had such an incredibly supportive response to any cancellation I had to make.
Not a single word about the obvious disappointment, the complete dishevelling of plans that were made for my arrival such as restaurant reservations, theatre tickets and market visits. This came to be, after all, such a reassuring experience to see that there are people who not only care about their own feelings and wishes - which I absolutely acknowledge and I am terribly sorry for having to pull out of this tour - but who were and are all able to understand someone else and their situation.
Thank you gentlemen, thank you so much. You are are a very cool clowder of cats - you know who you are.
The whole debacle made me aware of self care. Self-care in the sense of actually taking care of your body and mind by nurturing oneself with kindness. Usually I love to disguise self-care in gruelling WOD's ( 'workout of the day' ) and going to the absolute limit at the gym, spewing after a workout is nothing considered extraordinary when you do CrossFit, pushing myself to go the extra mile to shape my body the way I want it and to fit my personal ideal. There was no room in my life for parts of my physique that are not muscly or defined ( especially after coming back from a couple of injuries which didn't
allow me to train as hard as I wanted to and changed my body in a way I didn't like therefore I was eager to get back in shape and then to upkeep ) as this only reassured me I am not taking care of myself, I am not disciplined, unfit, not self-caring.
Another way I liked to think I was taking care of myself is my diet. Healthy. Healthy. Healthy. No fun, no treats, no cheat days. That isn't self care, that is an encore of control to the extreme just like at the gym. I was pushing once again my physical and mental boundaries every day, denying my body and soul the well deserved rest, the little delicacy here and there - but expecting maximum function across the board.
And at last there is the financial self-care, driven by the maybe ultimate German way of thinking 'Make as much money as possible in the shortest amount of time as you never know what the future holds!' and 'You can rest when you are dead'.
This is an incredibly exhausting mind set, especially paired with the above. It can only lead to a break down and this is exactly what happened to me.
How is it possible that many people see the above mentioned or similar kind of behaviour as self-care?!
This is, I have come to learn the hard way, not self-care and by all means no self-love. This is exploiting all physical and mental resources and capacities of body and mind until you crack and break down.
No more. I'm fully prepared to start enjoying and accepting myself. Expect a little more curve on my body, a little less availability but a happier and more content me.
Thank you for reading.
PS: As always pls note English is not my first language and therefore be kind judging me by my writing.