Since 3 days, I'm sitting there in my mental masturbation, trying to process a significant step I just took.
For the first time of my life, at 32, I have been paid for sex...
This is something I have been fantasying with such a shame since I was 16 and somehow I always shot down this unacceptable expression of my erotic nature.
Various times in my life occasions were offered to me, but I couldn't own the forbidden arousal that it would make me feel, so even if I went close to it few times, it never really happened before last Friday night, in my slut week (dancing eros archetype), not surprising...
I have been a very sexual girl, then woman, since ever. I lost my virginity at 14 because I was so curious about it that I couldn't wait some more. I then had plenty of different partners and before knowing about open relationships I have been cheating on almost all of them because I had a sexual drive that could never be full field...
Then I discovered Tantra, and brought consciousness into my sexuality, and I somehow thought that this would calm down my huge appetite for all kind of sexual experiences. But that wasn't the case, it was actually the contrary that happened, opening a door of acceptance in revealing, owning and being seen in my desires layers after layers.
To be honest, it hasn't been always nice and easy to observe myself in conscious promiscuity and orgies facing all kind of challenges (jealousy, body image, comparison, shame and all kind of insecurities), without being numbed by drugs or alcohol.
I'm still carrying shame and a bit of desperation about the fact that the more I open, the more I allow myself to go further in the exploration of my hidden desires, because I wonder where is the limit? How far can I continue going?
Probably until I'll dissolve all trace of self judgements about whatever form of sexual expression. And I have to finally admit that this is a main variable in the resolution of my existence.
Exactly 1 year ago I arrived in Melbourne after living 4 years in a Tantric community in Thailand, and I came with the clear intention to experience stripping, what I did for 7 month.
I also explored kink and bdsm, swinger parties, I acted in a porn, offered erotic and tantric massage... layers after layers, the unacceptable and hidden desires were able to unlock.
What frighten me at time is that when most of the people have enough to name their desires to dissolve them into consciousness, I myself need to first fully live them, then feeling and naming them and finally being seen into them to do the work.
The power of sharing lies in the fact that I started writing with shame and the more I am writing, the deeper I am breathing, accepting and celebrating the beauty of my individual process of self revelation.
I'm bringing to consciousness that I love power, it feeds me and amplify my desire. I am undeniably turned on by men who manifest any form of power (physical, emotional, mental, social, economic...). The more they are powerful, the more I am pull to taken it, driven by an ardent desire of being filled, transported, uplifted and burned into it.
This is my natural tendency and I find it hard to surrender to men without challenging them to give some fuel to the desire and the power.
I loved having been called in the middle of the night by a man for a massage, me resisting to go, him insisting in a very pleasant and playful way, going to his place that happen to be the most amazing loft I've ever seen, being surprised by realising that he's around 30 and pretty hot, that he's rich, turning the awkwardness into a flirty relaxing and exciting atmosphere, being completely aroused while massaging, him not hesitating to pay me double (1600$) for having me sexually...
Yes I loved being desired, offered power and being taken into it.
This is so good acknowledging this massive shameful desire! I have my stomach locked since 3 days. Self judgements came quickly taking over the excitement and transforming it into shame... Fears rose, about the possibility of willing to do it again... but honestly, they were just trying to hide the intensity of the unacceptable pleasure of embodying the ultimate prostitute, the one which takes everything, pleasure, power, money ...
Being seen into it... It was so important to me to be loved and accepted by my partner the day after, and he did it so perfectly! This somehow even turned him on, probably as much as this could eventually turn you on if you are in touch with your desires even if they might not be the same as mine.
I am so much realising that owned desires are giving permission to hidden ones to be revealed. And desires are fuel for aspiration of self revelation!