escort diary® of Bella Noirette

You know why I can’t do monogamous?

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You know why I can’t do monogamous? It’s too restrictive. I end up having to box myself into one category and commit to it. And whilst that category might work for me in the beginning, it almost certainly does not during that which ultimately brings forth, the doom and gloom end. The depth of love I feel for my ex-partners is unconditional. It does not matter what horrific things that were said or done, my love for them never wavers. All except one. But now is not the time nor the place to delve into that life altering experience.

The reality is that there are so many facets to my being. Many already explored, some that I’ve got to know very well yet have ended up suppressing in the name of love for so long, that I end up barely even recognising them. I feel like I have to start all over again when one of the great loves of my life are willing to not be in each others lives because of their conditional love. I don’t have short term partnerships. They last for many years. I have single time in between. I don’t usually fleet between relationships.

I don’t need another joined at my hip to confirm my identity. If anything I feel like I loose it. I love being in a primary partnership, I love living and sharing my life with another incredible human being where there is equal love, admiration and respect, but most importantly we are both deeply IN LOVE with each other. But what I don’t love is my level of commitment to one person having to compromise my level of commitment to another. Why do I have to choose? It’s not about greed either. Why should my capacity to love be diminished by someone’s love that is overridden by insecurity? How does that help either of us to grow? How can commitment mean restriction out of fear and insecurity and that be okay? I don’t see how love, fear, insecurity, control and dictation go hand in hand. My heart and to some degree my life still has a place for my ex-partners, it is that they could not accept me for me.

It’s not just about sex. It’s not just about being desired. It’s not just about exhibitionism. I need to share myself on a soul level, and I find that happens when people strip themselves of their armour, and show me who they really are. I already see it, but they are choosing to and this makes for life altering exchange. Remember, people come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime. No matter how fleeting, people can have a profound impact on our lives. I need to impact many lives for the greater good. I don’t want to, I need to. It is part of my karmic contract. I can’t give it up in the name of love.

Suppressing myself makes me very sick. If you unconditionally love someone, how can you expect them to give up their life calling? How could you sit by and watch them battle and get angry that you are not enough? I could go months, even years being totally happy and content in my life and primary relationship, but there is an inevitable force that shifts my attentions and desires. I meet new people I know I am meant to soul connect with, they are meant to be a lover. Why do I have to give that moment up in the name of committed love that literally boxes me in? It’s not natural. I’m not talking about being a sex crazed being that won’t commit to someone because I wanna fuck the world. No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. I know commitment. Why can’t I be free to commit to many, be it long term or fleeting. Why the need for me to have to choose? It’s not in the name of love, it’s in the name of control, in the name of insecurity, in the name of inferiority complexes, but it most certainly is not in the name of love.

I know unconditional love, I was fortunate enough to be raised with and without it. My life may have not been easy, but I’ve sure as hell known L O V E - and it has had a profound effect.

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