It has been a year since I uploaded this blog to my website. It is still relevant so I thought I would share it here too xx
So I've made the leap, I built up the courage and quit my day job. I am now a full time escort. What's this got to do with submission you're probably wondering.. well as I move to a new city and try to pack up my life from one place and move it to another, still trying to keep the secret from my friends and family; I find myself completely lost. For the first time in my life I have no plan, no direction and I am searching for someone to guide me. I am so used to people telling me what to do, every decision I make is based on what I think will make others happy. Is this a bad thing? Maybe doing what I'm told is not something that's been ingrained in me from my strict upbringing but it's just who I am.
I am not a professional submissive in the sense that I've been 'trained'. I just know that I am most comfortable when I'm not in control. Strange considering what a strong person I am always projecting to society.
"Submissives may have thicker skins but they have weaker hearts. Fuck them roughly but love them tenderly"
I had an experience tonight of trying to meet my new housemates. As an introvert it's not easy to do. I worked up the courage and went into the main area of the house and said hello (under the guise of making myself a snack) they asked if I'd like to join them for a beer. Inside I said sure and I fitted in effortlessly to the conversations, in reality I said "Oh it's ok I'll just be lame and hang out in my room, thanks though!" and now I'm in my room wondering why I'm so socially inept and yet have no problem chatting to my clients in one on one situations.
The point of the story.. as I'm sitting here I am suddenly craving a submissive experience. Perhaps to take away my fears, to let go of forcing myself out of my comfort zone and letting someone else have that power instead. In my day job and perhaps in life I am constantly putting on that outward smile, pretending I'm a bubbly confident woman. I love that in the bedroom I can let go, I am 'allowed' to be myself and enjoy things that aren't socially acceptable. Be wary of what I say here.. I often have people scared off when I say I'm a submissive. No that doesn't mean I want you to tie me up and do horrible things (maybe sometimes), I just like you in the lead. I want you to do what you want with me and that could mean you choose the restaurant we go to or you kiss me first. Sometimes yes it can be the more extreme but it doesn't have to be that way. I absolutely hate bookings where I feel like I'm leading, I can sense they want certain things and I have to build up the courage to do it rather than them just going for it, if that makes sense.
"There is a very pure freedom to be found in complete submission"
In the realms of 'real' BDSM, this is still a new world for me but one where I fit very comfortably. I am exploring the possibilities that being a submissive brings and giving my clients the power to explore with me. I want you to feel open to try anything you want, it is a safe place and I think knowing that I am being so open and vulnerable lets you do the same. Not to mention the fact that I love seeing someone turned on by me. It literally makes me wet. Being so infatuated by me that you have to have me, being held down or restrained and used for your pleasure.. I digress.. where was I? oh yes BDSM lol
I should get rid of half of those acronyms. I hate pain, just saying. Being submissive is probably more of a mental state of mind. I don't want anyone hurting me, pain does not equal pleasure. I think I will have to make a part 2 for this blog, there is so much more that needs to be said but tonight the focus is on my thoughts in this moment. Also can you believe it took me 5 months to write this. I started it in February and started over tonight.
"There is just something about his strong hands. When he grips me with passion I feel so secure and wanted. It is pure bliss"
Funny story to end: My first memory of a submissive experience. I went to a guys house to 'watch' a movie. He started touching me and I didn't stop it, I also didn't participate. I figured I wasn't allowed to have sex or play around with boys but in this circumstance I wasn't doing the playing so therefore I'm still innocent. I held this thought for a while, that if I wasn't the one to initiate then I wasn't the one doing the 'wrong' thing and everything was ok. I'm innocent I swear haha :)